I used to think I had to be the best. After one attempt and I didn’t succeed, I would most likely give up. Who knows, maybe I could of been a very talented guitarist and dancer bUT HOW WILL I EVER KNOW? I mean, do we really need to be the best? Do I need to be an extremely talented writer to keep my blog?
This all started when I worked really hard on preparing folio pieces for a writing course I had been wanting to apply for for the last three years and well, when it came down to it, I didn’t get in. Yep, your gal got a right good slap to the face and was unsuccessful and so I cried, got really angry and have continually gotten angry every time I’ve looked or thought about my writing/blog since. It wasn’t just anger though, there was the humiliation when I realised I had sat in that interview room and tried to explain to the – though not very calming – lecturer that the only things I really loved in life were photography and more importantly writing. I tried to show him I wanted the spot on that course, that despite my obvious nerves I was in the right place. But then I realised, would he really turn a young girl – or anyone – down from a place on a college course because she was nervous?
So basically, my portfolio (that actually had two pieces I thought I was quite proud of, makes me cringe now because clearly we have different opinions) didn’t seem to impress them enough, if any. I won’t ever know, they don’t get in touch personally, it’s a generated (un)successful email you receive with college/uni after all.
Then came the dread and the anger and the seemingly never ending “stupid girl” running about my head when I realised I really thought they’d give me a chance, the only preparation I had given myself was repeatedly saying “nah I won’t get in” to my boyfriend. But now it’s a Thursday afternoon, I’m meant to be at work but thankfully (did I say that?) the snow has kept me off and I’m thinking, I cannot be fucked watching Netflix again and it’s too cold to venture BACK out into the knee deep snow, so what’s a girl to do?
Do I actually have to be the best blogger/writer/photographer/whatever to enjoy it? Not really, I’m just really bloody hard on myself. I constantly have ideas running through my head – not all good ones but hey, can’t win at everything – and the concept of not being able to do something relatively creative with them makes me feel a little too, well shit, to be honest.
So while I was waiting on hearing back from said course, I created a new blog I was happier with over here on WP instead of Blogger and I thought, you could use this to help get opinions on your college work as well as the odd bit of beauty on the side. Now? I don’t really know what to do with it. Do I keep it? Do I bin it? Do I throw away something that yes, I wasn’t the best at but made me happy because one set of blokes told me I wasn’t good enough?
Soooo of course in my basic girl femme ways, I’m saying sod you to them and going to keep going anyway. Maybe I need experience and confidence. Maybe I should be giving it up but no one will tell me either way. Maybe I was okay but someone else outshone me (hell, its hard to be good at anything nowadays) or maybe right now my life is just a shit storm and it wasn’t meant to be so I’ll just have to continue to wing it and see what happens – because let’s be real, I don’t really know what else I can do.
Also if anyone wants to tell me they’re on a similar boat so I don’t feel so damn lonely and rubbish then that would be great.
PS: welcome to the new blog!